Teenagers - Sexuality & Pregnancy, Relationships - Friendship, Adolescent Psychology & Psychiatry, Social Psychology, Teenagers - Substance Abuse, Teenagers - General & Miscellaneous
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Overview
Why kids are creating their own families and how adults can prevent them from slipping away.In starkly explicit terms, Dr. Ron Taffel describes a phenomenon that until now has had no name. Based on thousands of interviews with kids and adults, he defines the "second family"—the unprecedented, collective power of the peer group and pop culture. It is a force so pervasive that it threatens to overwhelm the first family of adults. And it operates according to new rules: peer pressure is dead; rebellion is out; comfort is what teens crave. As a result, good children chronically lie without a trace of guilt, have sex at mind-bogglingly early ages, and use alcohol and drugs, not to be bad, but simply because they are there.
But The Second Family is not an irrationally alarmist book. It describes the hidden strengths of these influential groups—a secret moral code of peer support that stuns adults; strong friendships between girls and boys; a tendency of boys to take care of those in need; and the role of girls as powerful group leaders. For parents must understand the lure of the second family and the void it fills if they are to insure that their own true family comes first.
Parents will learn about:
- The benefits of seeing themselves through adolescent eyes
- The emotions that lead to piercings, tattoos, and other forms of self-expression
- The motivation behind the new teen credo: live and let live
- The demise of undivided attention
- The influence of the modern cult of celebrity
- Why they don't know their children as well as they should
- Why one-size-fits-all parenting is a myth
- What they can do to stay connected to their kids
About the Authors:
Ron Taffel, Ph.D., is a noted child and family therapist and author of Nurturing Good Children Now, Parenting By Heart, and Why Parents Disagree.Melinda Blau is the author of Watch Me Fly, Families Apart, and Loving and Listening, as well as the co-author with Taffel of Nurturing Good Children Now and Parenting By Heart.
Editorials
From Barnes & Noble
This candid, frequently chilling portrait of American adolescence urges adults to reclaim teenagers from their "second families" -- networks of peers who provide a supportive, comfortable, and morally relative environment conducive to any number of dangerous activities. The shocking behavior Taffel depicts -- including rampant drug use, complete disregard for others, and extreme sexual promiscuity, all commencing at increasingly young ages -- is enough to relieve any parent of their rose-tinted glasses and convince them of the chasm that now exists between adults and even seemingly well-behaved teens. Thankfully, this book offers more than nightmarish glimpses of what really goes on; it offers solutions for drawing children back into the fold of true family. The first step is acknowledging that popular culture, modern technology, and peer camaraderie form a powerful force in the lives of youngsters, but it is a force that can be counterbalanced by the undivided attention of a loving family.Publishers Weekly -
In the wake of the massacre at Columbine High School, child and family therapist Taffel and writer Blau (authors of Parenting by Heart) contend that parental anxiety about teen violence is misplaced, when the real danger is that "children are somehow slipping away." Packed with gripping stories drawn from kids he's helped in his private practice and from more than 200 interviews, Taffel's book explains why it is imperative that parents extend "the empathic envelope," or balance empathy and expectations, to reach their kids. The culprit, as Taffel sees it, is not peer pressure per se, but the enticements of what he terms "the second family," or the combined effects of pop culture and peers. For kids on today's so-called Planet Youth, belonging means not imposing one's values, and fun and comfort are paramount. Despite the pervasiveness of teen lying, the allure of sex with many partners and the easy availability of drugs and alcohol starting in the sixth and seventh grades, Taffel holds out hope to struggling parents that it is possible to rein in out-of-control teens. He encourages parents to "listen without judging," and to regard phone time, e-mail and privacy as privileges that can be withdrawn as punishments. In today's fast-paced world, he believes parents shouldn't wait for big red flag issues, like lower grades, before they get to the heart of what's going on with their kids. Taffel's suggestion that parents carve out comfort time, as opposed to quality time, may seem like old-fashioned advice, but his frank quotations of real, R-rated teenage talk prove that he's in tune with the pulse of contemporary, urban teenage culture. Agent, Eileen Cope, Lowenstein and Associates. (Mar.) Forecast: Boosted by a national media tour, Taffel's detailed look at the lives of contemporary teens, combined with his measured advice, makes this a thoughtful complement to recent first-person accounts of parenting difficult adolescents, such as Martha Tod Dudman's Augusta, Gone (see review below) and Adair Lara's Hold Me Close, Let Me Go (Forecasts, Dec. 11, 2000). Displaying these titles together could boost sales of each. Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.VOYA
Although this book is addressed to parents, the points it makes are too important for librarians, educators, and youth workers to categorize it so narrowly. Taffel, a child and family therapist, describes what he calls the second family of the adolescent peer group and the comforts—excitement, entertainment, and stimulation—it provides to adolescents. This support network goes unknown and unseen by the often time-stressed, multitasking adults in their lives, who are isolated from each other as much as from the kids in their care. He says that the old notion of the peer group is dead. Although peers still can be extremely hurtful, when a compatible group is found, it offers the psychic sustenance often lacking in adult-adolescent relationships, in part because they do not pressure each other. Parents, meanwhile, have abdicated or have trouble asserting their own authority and values. He suggests for adults a blending of empathy—being interested in kids' activities and feelings—with clear expectations and consequences, so that kids will trust them when real help is needed. Of particular interest are his chapters "You Don't Have a Clue," which describes the adolescent conspiracy of silence from adults, so complicit in recent school shootings, and "Don't Let Me Slip Away," on how kids lie because of confusion over right and wrong. It is not that Taffel covers new ground here. He just manages to explain a bewildering array of adolescent behaviors and social phenomena in a new way. Of particular importance are his suggestions for adult networks to help kids. School and public young adult librarians should be part of them, and his book is required reading for anyoneinteracting with adolescents today. It is a particularly fascinating follow-up to James Garbarino's Lost Boys (The Free Press, 1999/VOYA December 1999). 2001, St. Martin's, 256p, $23.95. Ages Adult. Reviewer: Mary K. Chelton SOURCE: VOYA, August 2001 (Vol. 24, No. 3)Library Journal
Twenty-five years as a counselor did not prepare Taffel (Nurturing Good Children Now) to deal with this country's latest generation of teenagers. In this eye-opening work, he tracks adolescents' defection from the "first family" (Mom, Dad, and siblings) for the "second family" (the peer group and pop culture). This is not, he argues, an angry or rebellious culture but a comfort-seeking one be it with sex, drugs, recreation, body sculpture, and consumer items. Taffel is at his best explaining why today's teens are so disdainful and disconnected from their families. Using a blend of compassion and consequences, parents need to listen to their teens, to try to understand their wants, and to balance those wants with responsible family behavior. Though open and accepting in tone, Taffel does not endorse rude, amoral, or vulgar behavior. He recognizes where teens have gone wrong but also acknowledges their progress: fewer trends separating the sexes an openness unheard of 20 years ago and a real sense of altruism. This is a probing look into the often misunderstood phenomenon of teen culture, coupled with good answers for uninvolved, oh-let-them-have-what-they-want parents. Highly recommended for social science as well as child-rearing collections. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.Kirkus Reviews
An unnerving look at teen and preteen behavior, with some advice on what puzzled parents can do about it. Assisted by his frequent coauthor Blau (Nurturing Good Children Now, not reviewed), Taffel draws on his experience as a child and family therapist to create a hair-raising picture of today's adolescents and the serious problems their attitudes and actions present for their parents. Adults and adolescents occupy separate worlds, he writes; teens live in the embrace of what he calls"the second family—the aggregate force of the pop culture and the peer group." The rituals, definition of identity, and sense of belonging once supplied by the parental family unit are now furnished by this second family, which also offers excitement and instant gratification. It's not primarily rebellion or peer pressure that draws teens to the second family, advises Taffel, but the comfort of a system that provides support, understanding, and shared values. He urges parents to develop a protective"empathic envelope" of values and expectations that encompasses not just the first family but also the second. Only by entering the teens' world, suspending judgment about their interests, and making the home a place where teens want to gather, he argues, can parents achieve a balance between authority and acceptance, guidance and empathy. Throughout, Taffel makes liberal use of case studies from his files to illustrate particular problems that parents have faced, and many readers will be shocked by the language and sexual attitudes of teens and even preteens in these examples. For those who stay the course, Taffel includes a checklist to help identify signs of trouble, a list of dos and don'tsforadultinvolvement in children's activities, and, in an appendix, specific guidelines for setting up parent-school alliances. Parents of young children will be truly alarmed by this glimpse of what lies ahead, but it may give a glimmer of hope to those whose offspring have entered the terrible teens.Book Details
Published
March 1, 2001
Publisher
New York : St. Martin's Press, 2001.
Pages
256
Format
Hardcover
ISBN
9780312261375