Overview
In this newly revised and expanded edition of the classic guide, clinical psychologist Stanton Samenow discusses the difficult subject of "problem children" with compassion, reassurance, and welcome clarity. He offers concerned parents and professionals instructive insight into the personality of such children and gives practical suggestions for taking corrective, remedial steps—now, before antisocial patterns become entrenched. He also offers advice to help parents of older children cope effectively.While typical children "go through a phase" with occasional flashes of misconduct, it's imperative that parents recognize as early as possible the special behavior of the habitually secretive and antisocial child. Dr. Samenow identifies the seven common traits of antisocial children and refutes the common belief that they don't know right from wrong. In fact, says Dr. Samenow, they know the difference very well, but choose to believe the rules don't apply to them. Parents must learn how to help these kids accept responsibility for their actions.
While Dr. Samenow concludes that parents don't directly cause their child's antisocial behavior, they can unwittingly serve to encourage rather than inhibit it. He explains the six common errors that keep parents from intervening effectively, from being plagued by excessive guilt about their perceived role in the problem to totally denying that a problem exists. Dr. Samenow also suggests ways parents can sidestep these errors in the future.
Before It's Too Late, updated with the latest findings drawn from Dr. Samenow's experience as an expert in evaluating and counseling juvenile and adult offenders, underscores theencouraging message that there's much that concerned adults can do to correct disturbing attitudes and behaviors if they identify children at risk early enough and act quickly. This reassuring guide offers a blueprint for effective action that can make the difference.
Editorials
Cathy Young
The destruction that the antisocial child leaves in his wake was never more apparent than last year when the airwaves blasted news about the violent rampages that happened in schools in Arkansas and Oregon. Troubled teenagers, carrying guns to school, killed and injured their fellow students, school staff, and teachers. As a society, we're perplexed about the best way to deal with such violent, delinquent young people. The problem is also a personal and family issue. How can parents identify the antisocial behavior patterns in their children before it's too late -- before these children destroy their lives and the lives of their family members?Stanton Samenow has some answers. This clinical psychologist, who has served on three presidential task forces on crime and drug issues, wrote the seminal book on antisocial youth in 1989, Before It's Too Late, and has just expanded and revised this classic guide. It's a no-nonsense read, and many parents may find his method in dealing with troubled youth a bit severe. He writes:
"This book may seem tough, even harsh in its tone and approach. I say little about affection, warmth, and a nurturing attitude. What I emphasize is that parents of antisocial children must combine, with love and caring, stern measures that, at times, are at odds with their own concepts of good parenting."
Before It's Too Late outlines clearly the difference between normal children and antisocial children. Samenow also helps parents see the differences between troubled children and learning-challenged kids. Of course, all children misbehave. They exhibit selfishness from time to time, or even lie occasionally. For antisocial children, however, misbehavior is more than a phase. It becomes an entrenched pattern of thrill-seeking and of trying to control others.
The trick, according to Samenow, is to understand the antisocial child's frame of mind. By learning how he or she makes the behavioral choices he or does, parents can find effective ways to help their children grow into responsible adults.
Put simply, troubled children know the difference between right and wrong. However, for various reasons (including the desire to subvert boredom, the need to control others, and grandiose pretensions), these children choose to misbehave. Again and again, Samenow shows how delinquent behavior is the antisocial child's chosen response to different circumstances. He debunks prevalent myths that troubled youth merely act out in response to circumstances beyond their control -- such as poverty or abuse at home. He states emphatically and convincingly that antisocial youths are not victims. Every child, he says, has choices in how to respond to events and situations in his or her life. Even brothers who grow up side-by-side in the same family environment choose remarkably different ways to respond to family difficulties. Though the antisocial child, a master at blaming others, will beg to differ, rarely -- if ever -- can it be said that a parent's leniency or strictness caused the child's antisocial behavior.
Does Before It's Too Late let parents off the hook, then, for their children's misbehavior? Hardly! Unintentionally, parents can do many things to exacerbate their children's difficulties in facing reality, developing compassion for others, and understanding the consequences of their actions. Samenow outlines six common errors that parents of antisocial children often make in parenting these special kids. Most important, perhaps, Samenow helps parents overcome their denial about the child's situation so that they can create a parenting environment that demands the child be more accountable for his or her actions.
Before It's Too Late will affirm and encourage parents who are weary and overwhelmed by their difficult children. Antisocial children present very real problems for our society in general and for their parents in particular. Here, in a tough and unflinching tone, Stanton Samenow offers parents the tools they need to address their children's antisocial behavior before it's too late.
Cathy Young is a freelance writer living in Washington State.
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